NICU PTSD

As is common with grown folks who happen to have Disney+, Josh and I have been binge watching Boy Meets World lately. A cheesy but sweet 90s family sitcom. As with most shows like this in the 90s they try to tackle big issues during their seasons like depression, death and tragedy but there was one topic that hit a little too close to home. 

Late into the series Cory’s parents have a baby named Joshua who was born prematurely and has to be placed in the NICU. At one point during the several episode arc surrounding this I looked over at Josh and realized that he was having all of the same feels I was because NICU PTSD is real y’all. Just the simplest mention of a baby in a NICU on a TV show from the 90’s sent us both into an emotional tailspin. 

As many as 11.4% of all pregnancies end in early deliveries meaning that about 450,000 babies in the USA are born too soon and 15 million babies are born preterm globally. That’s 1 in 10 families who find themselves in the NICU navigating this crazy roller coaster ride that you never truly get off of. 

The tiniest thing can send me right back into NICU mode. Anxious, fearful and generally sad. Even though we have spent well over a year on the outside, we are constantly reminded that our babies are different. When we got pregnant with Jack and Rory a ton of our friends were also sharing in the joy of becoming parents but their stories are different than ours and they continue to progress as if they are going down a different road in a different vehicle. Their babies are now running and talking in sentences and ours are significantly behind because of all the time they had to spend in the hospital.

Even though we know we are behind and the boys are not quite where they are supposed to be we struggle with acceptance because no one wants to tell a parent directly that their kids are “significantly delayed”. They write it in their notes but not once has someone told me straight to my face. This allows us to continue living in denial until it sneaks up in the form of a TV show, Facebook post or casual conversation with other parents. Accepting the fact that your kid is different is a constant internal struggle that you never know you are going to have to deal with until you are.

As with the days following any kind of trauma some days are great and some days are not. Some days I don’t remember the months and months we spent in the hospital and other days I smell a certain hand sanitizer or see a NICU baby wrapped in a ducky blanket on a silly TV show and I find myself wrecked with emotion, guilt and fear. 

At the end of each day I have to remember just how far we have come since those terrifying days spent in the NICU. Our pair of babies were literally smaller than a pair of Josh’s shoes and had a significant chance of never coming home with us. But today they are big, strong miracle boys who are going to be TWO in exactly one month. We may be different and behind our sweet friends’ wee ones but we are right where we are supposed to be. 

I’m off to go finish Boy Meets World. Spoiler alert! Their NICU baby gets to come home healthy and happy just like ours. We are so lucky.