Pregnancy Loss

Dealing with pregnancy loss

If you need to catch up read this.

Loosing a pregnancy is hard. Up until recently its not really something we talk about. Probably because it is shrouded in a lot of shame. People, even highly educated doctors, can tell you that things just happen but it is hard to get through it without blaming yourself and your body.

For me this wasn’t my bodies first time failing me. With the twins my body couldn’t make it past 25 weeks even with medical intervention. However, I still got two perfect little dudes, Were they early? Yes. Did they then and do they still have complications from being born so early? Absolutely. But they are here and I get to see them grow. With this one I couldn’t even get the baby into my uterus successfully. I was dark and twisty for a long time. I don’t normally experience many emotions. Its never been something my brain can compute. I am an extremely logical person, so something that may upset most I am normally able to rationalize and move on. But I could not get through this. It didn’t help that my hormones were all out of whack. One moment my body was pregnant and the next it wasn’t. It was like PMS to the max. I was irrational, moody, and so very sad ALL of the time. Nothing made me happy or brought me joy anymore no matter how hard I tried to fake it I just couldn’t adjust.

I was miserable. I hated my job, everyone around me annoyed me to no end. I didn’t want to cook, clean or care for anyone including myself and I just slipped further and further into a black hole of my own making.

We had a trip planned for Labor Day to see Josh’s parents. I thought it would be miserable because I was miserable but at this point my hormones had mostly leveled off and I desperately needed a change of scenery and surroundings. We decided to go and make the most of it. It turned out to be exactly what I needed. While we were there I was offered a new job that would ensure I would be 100% remote allowing me to be with Josh and the boys more. I had a lot of quality time with family and Josh’s parents house is like a retreat. It is a beautiful home but the land they live on is the real treat. They have 5 acres in Wisconsin that is like this beautiful meadow of peace. They are far out in the country and the vibes are immaculate. I left feeling refreshed and ready for change.

When we came home I immediately quit my current job and vowed to take the next week I had with no employment seriously to get my shit together, I slept in, cleaned my house from top to bottom and snuggled my dudes while watching bad TV and movies. I changed my mindset, I chose to only do things that brought me joy and not dwell on what I had little to no control over. I made changes no matter how scary or intimidating they were I changed.

I started the new job (bonus points! it was the same place my mom worked so my training was really just this wonderful 2 week period where I got to spend 8 hours of uninterrupted time my mom.) Coming off of our first vacation in 3.5 years to a week off with my family at home to some good quality mommy and me time was the perfect storm of bliss for my soul.

I don’t know that I will ever understand why my body failed me in carrying children or if I will ever not blame myself for not being able to grow our family. However, I am at peace with it. Being content is not always a choice, sometimes being messy and depressy is purely biological and there is nothing you can do about it. You cant just wake up in the morning and choose happiness sometimes you have to work for it. Sometimes you must get utterly uncomfortable and change your surroundings and force more joyful and happy moments into your life to just feel something other than blah. Maybe just maybe those moments will begin to overshadow the bad ones and eventually overtake them. The darkness still creeps in every now and again but I accept it as a chance to think about and remember what I lost and I treasure those moments no matter how difficult they are.