GVN

Jack had been in the hospital for what was our worst stay to date. 11 days in and most of them were spent in the ICU. At one point he even had to be put back on a ventilator for the first time in over a year. HOWEVER, he was going to be discharged and come home. I had spent 5 straight nights in the hospital with Jack due to work issues and sleeping accommodations in the ICU – for more details watch this video.

It was my mom’s birthday, June 13th 2021 and I had spent my first lovely night at home with Rory in what had felt like forever and we were just waiting for Josh to call and tell us that Jack had been discharged and to come and get them. I for whatever reason decided to take a pregnancy test. I cant actually tell you why – I don’t think I was experiencing that many symptoms or feelings but there was one in the cupboard and I thought why not just pee on the stick. I took the stick with me out to the back porch – Rory was running around playing and I was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and eating a meal I cooked myself not in a microwave or from a cafeteria. I nonchalantly looked down at the stick, firmly believing it would say “Not Pregnant”… boy howdy was I wrong.

I had all the thoughts and feelings, I was in shock, I was excited, I was overjoyed. How amazing would another baby be, more babies means more snuggles, more love to give and receive. Another soul to love endlessly. But I was also terrified, worried, anxious, and immediately felt sick. Did we even want another kid – a baby sure, for some primo snuggles but another full blown child? What if it was twins again? What if the pregnancy went as bad or worse than the last one. I mean Jack had just spent 11 days in the hospital due to the complications of his prematurity making it impossible to make it through RSV without the help of a fully trained intensive care unit and a ventilator hooked up to the device that went into the hole in his throat. The only time I had ever been pregnant it didn’t go as planned. Was my body capable of having a healthy normal pregnancy? The thoughts good, bad, and ugly swirled around inside my head.

Josh rang what felt like seconds later and let me know he and Jack were ready to be picked up. I dropped Rory off with my mom and headed to the hospital with my pregnancy test in hand. We got back into the car and I had placed the test on the dashboard. For a moment Josh didn’t notice and then all of the sudden he YELLS, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?” He was shocked and slightly traumatized from the dreadful experience we had just had but came around to excitement after the initial shock wore off.

I went to the doctor to have my pregnancy confirmed at around 6 weeks. I had to do this because we at the time had this special insurance and to be seen by an OBGYN I had to have it confirmed by my PCP and get a referral. The American Health Care system man… I went into the office, peed into a cup and had my first scare. The nurse came in after doing the test and said “Are you sure you are pregnant? How many tests have you taken”. I had taken like 6 tests since the first one because I couldn’t believe it either, most recently this very morning. I told her this info and she looked confused and said okay. A while later she came back and explained that my test was next to another person’s test and they had gotten confused on which was which but I indeed was pregnant. I got my referral and went on about my day.

By Fourth of July weekend I was 8 weeks along and it was a hot summer weekend. We had a backyard blow up pool and I had spent the morning getting it all set up and filled. We were all excited for a chill day by the pool. I got into the pool around 3 PM with the fam and immediately was overcome by this pain. I wandered into the house to maybe take a poo. If you don’t know me well then you wont know that I often struggle with constipation. Perhaps TMI but it is important. Anytime I have stomach pain I assume I am constipated. Shoot I was in active labor for 36 hours and even as they were wheeling me into labor and delivery I continued to insist that if I could just have one good poo all would be well. Needless to say I had two babies instead. So I went to the toilet to sit and struggle but the pain kept getting worse and worse and worse and I had to lay down. Getting to the bed and into the bed was almost unbearable the pain was so intense and the more I moved the worse it got. I tried calling Josh because I knew at this point my only option was to go to the ER. Alas his phone was on the porch and he was in the pool around the corner with the kids. So I called my mom. I knew she would have to be here anyway to take care of the kids while I went to the hospital with Josh. She rushed over and was able to get Josh and the boys inside to help me get to the hospital.

The ride to the hospital was horrendous every slight bump or jerk was excruciating and at one point someone tried to cut Josh off forcing him to slam on his breaks. That person probably still remembers the look I gave them, it was unimaginable the amount of pain I was in. Fast forward we were in the ER – trying to get myself from the wheelchair Josh pushed me in on and into the bed was near impossible. But we made it. They did blood work and confirmed that I was super pregnant, my hCG levels were super high but something was definitely wrong. They did an ultrasound and while the tech can never tell you what is going on they never have great pokerfaces. Also I had a lot of ultrasounds with the twins as early as 6 weeks so I knew what it was supposed to look like and based on that poor girls face and what I was seeing I knew I would not be leaving here still pregnant.

The doctor came back and advised us that my pregnancy was ectopic. Meaning the embryo was trapped and growing inside of my fallopian tube rather than in my uterus where it was supposed to be. She said I would need to emergently get back to the OR to terminate the pregnancy as it was no longer viable and if it were to rupture in my tubes my life was at risk. THIS very reason is why we need comprehensive healthcare for women. If this exact scenario had happened 1 year later in the trigger state I live in it would have been illegal for the doctors to preform this emergency abortion. I would have had to of gotten back in my car and driven to our neighbor state to get the care I needed. And that travel time could have cost me my life. Luckily for me the Supreme Court had yet to make their egregious decision but alas I will hop off my soapbox. I was immediately rushed back to the OR.

It was after midnight when everything was said and done and Josh was able to come back to recovery and see me before he had to leave for the night. When he came back he explained that they had to take my only remaining fallopian tube as it was not salvageable. So in addition to loosing the baby we also lost any chance to have more kids. Due to a previous cyst I only had 1 tube and 1 ovary left read more about that here.

I spent the night in the hospital and luckily or unluckily enough we had done one of those sneak peek gender blood tests. The results were in my email when I woke up in the hospital that morning. It would have been a boy. My mom came to pick me up later that day and took me home.

While he was never going to be he was still ours and we wanted to remember him with a name. We chose the name Graham Victor for out littlest love. Graham to keep with tradition of naming our children after Doctor Who companions we love and Victor because Josh’s great-grandfather was also born on the 4th of July and was also bestowed the same middle name.

Graham Victor Nelson, our lowercase g, we will always love and remember you. You made a huge impact on our lives even though you never got the chance to live yours.